Sooooo, I have been looking at his myspace page since the little fucker hasn't texted or called me..and we are supposed to be "friends"...yeah..whatever!!
Anywho, his status is "I can't stop thinking about her. She is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen"...and if its the girl I'm thinking of on his friends list..she is cute..but of course..THIN!!
So know I know he is totally into thin girls and I would be the rebound bitch that he may or may not fuck and toss me aside..same story, different day.
I am so thankful that I didn't put my ass on blast and tell him everything I was thinking of..I am so thankful that I didn't haul ass up there to see him probably to just be rejected because of how I look..I am so thankful that I didn't put myself out there the way I wanted to..so so thankful!!
Well, I will get over it, AGAIN..but I know him and I will cross paths again one day..it's just how we roll..10 years of talking, chatting, & flirting & picture taking..maybe the next time it will be different.
Damn, is anyone ever gonna see these things and read my rambled mind? lol
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
"aaaaaaahhhhhh"
"Aaaaahhhhh" ...Soooo the past 2 days have been really bad.
I can't stop eating & smoking..2 bad ass habits I need to break, but I'll stop smoking next week because I need to take those damn hormones to have a "cycle."
I can't be one of those "normal" phat women who have there periods..oh noooo..not me!!
I have to be FAT, no period, and have enough testosterone in my body for 500 German men!
Thank God for laser or I would really be screwed with my pants on..I still need to get more laser done, I just need to get off my ass and do it and trust me, it's not the most pleasant feeling in the world to have the first 2 top layers of your skin burnt of either..the pain of beauty I guess.
Oh, and about the guy I have the crush on, completely ignoring me..but what else if fucking new??!!
I just don't understand..why can't I stop the fucking eating??? It's driving me CRAZZZYYY!!
I'll weigh myself tomorrow and see what happens next.
Damnit!!!
I can't stop eating & smoking..2 bad ass habits I need to break, but I'll stop smoking next week because I need to take those damn hormones to have a "cycle."
I can't be one of those "normal" phat women who have there periods..oh noooo..not me!!
I have to be FAT, no period, and have enough testosterone in my body for 500 German men!
Thank God for laser or I would really be screwed with my pants on..I still need to get more laser done, I just need to get off my ass and do it and trust me, it's not the most pleasant feeling in the world to have the first 2 top layers of your skin burnt of either..the pain of beauty I guess.
Oh, and about the guy I have the crush on, completely ignoring me..but what else if fucking new??!!
I just don't understand..why can't I stop the fucking eating??? It's driving me CRAZZZYYY!!
I'll weigh myself tomorrow and see what happens next.
Damnit!!!
Friday, April 16, 2010
Friday Night
So its Friday night and I have this "crush" on this man that I have talked to for about 10 years.
We didn't talk for the past 5 years because of his ex biotch. Jealous that he was talking to me again I guess, then he disappeared in my life so I did in his until the past month or so. I found him in my yahoo email/chat and I sent him a message and we have been chatting again on/off.
The thing, he has a date tonight and now I'm jealous even though I try NOT to be.
He is only 8 hours away and I can't bring myself up there to see him because I am ashamed of myself. I know..I know..if he doesn't like the way I am then the hell with him..right?
I know it's true but the thing is, I have someone in my life too. We have been living together for the past 7 years but he won't marry me. I know he loves me & I do love him, but if I truly loved him, why do I think about this other guy? All the time?
Oh God, why can't life be simple?
So I weighed myself this morning..258.
This is gonna be a long ass process.."sigh"
We didn't talk for the past 5 years because of his ex biotch. Jealous that he was talking to me again I guess, then he disappeared in my life so I did in his until the past month or so. I found him in my yahoo email/chat and I sent him a message and we have been chatting again on/off.
The thing, he has a date tonight and now I'm jealous even though I try NOT to be.
He is only 8 hours away and I can't bring myself up there to see him because I am ashamed of myself. I know..I know..if he doesn't like the way I am then the hell with him..right?
I know it's true but the thing is, I have someone in my life too. We have been living together for the past 7 years but he won't marry me. I know he loves me & I do love him, but if I truly loved him, why do I think about this other guy? All the time?
Oh God, why can't life be simple?
So I weighed myself this morning..258.
This is gonna be a long ass process.."sigh"
Thursday, April 15, 2010
What is wrong with me?
Where do I begin?
I have felt all my life that I don't belong. Like I am bursting to come out of this shell and this shell is so thick that I can't crack it.
Maybe it goes back to childhood, I don't know. That is a long ass story and to long to type, but I have left the past in the past with old friends & family that really doesn't want anything to do with me and move forward. I have a "crude" sense of humor I guess and I feel that if they need me or my blood, a piece of my liver, whatever.. they will contact me. I really don't mean to be harsh, but after tried for so long, so why bother?
There are just some people on Earth are not supposed to be your friend for some reason or another. I know I'm a good person...so be it!
So here I am 260 pounds later at a height of 5'7 ish..where am I supposed to go from here? Eat lettuce & carrots for the next 6 months?
I have been watching Ruby faithfully every episode and she calls it "the beast" and if you have never walked a mile in a "phat" persons shoes, you have no idea what I am talking about.
So here I go..again..for the 1 millionth time.
I have felt all my life that I don't belong. Like I am bursting to come out of this shell and this shell is so thick that I can't crack it.
Maybe it goes back to childhood, I don't know. That is a long ass story and to long to type, but I have left the past in the past with old friends & family that really doesn't want anything to do with me and move forward. I have a "crude" sense of humor I guess and I feel that if they need me or my blood, a piece of my liver, whatever.. they will contact me. I really don't mean to be harsh, but after tried for so long, so why bother?
There are just some people on Earth are not supposed to be your friend for some reason or another. I know I'm a good person...so be it!
So here I am 260 pounds later at a height of 5'7 ish..where am I supposed to go from here? Eat lettuce & carrots for the next 6 months?
I have been watching Ruby faithfully every episode and she calls it "the beast" and if you have never walked a mile in a "phat" persons shoes, you have no idea what I am talking about.
So here I go..again..for the 1 millionth time.
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